Under the care of our Willen at Home team, Lauren’s mum was able to have the death she wanted: peaceful, in her own bed and with family.
But in the following months, Lauren (pictured with her mum) experienced panic attacks as she struggled to cope with unbearable grief.
Thankfully, she reached out to our counselling team and was able to get the support she needed to continue moving forward with a life that honours her mum.
When my mum, Annie, was diagnosed with primary peritoneal cancer in March 2020, our world changed overnight. Just as the pandemic brought life to a standstill, it felt as though our own lives had stopped too.
Aged 70, she was a loving mum to four of us (Kelly, Lynne, Karen, and me, her youngest), a caring mother-in-law, and a much-adored gran to nine grandchildren. She was the heart of our family: always there for us, always bringing us together – alongside my dad, Angus.
Fighting the three Cs
Mum had been experiencing symptoms for months, before a blood test led to her stage-three diagnosis. She faced it with characteristic strength and resilience, undergoing major surgery followed by rounds of chemotherapy.
She often said she was fighting the three Cs: COVID, cancer and chemo. What we didn’t realise then was how the next four years would be defined by treatment, scans, and side effects – punctuated by moments of remission, for which we were profoundly grateful. My dad became her full-time carer, tending to her every need with those quiet everyday acts of care that defined their relationship.
“We begin mourning long before loss actually arrives”
Fearing life without Mum
Throughout this time, I carried a heavy sense of anticipatory grief. Though Mum was still with us, I constantly feared life without her. I don’t think this is spoken about enough – the way we begin mourning long before loss actually arrives.
But in that grief, I also found a deeper appreciation for her. I recorded her voice and spoke with her almost every day. I felt I was already trying to commit her to memory even though she was right there.
Choosing acceptance
By spring 2024 Mum was struggling – not just with the relentless side effects of chemotherapy, but with a body and spirit that had simply had enough. With immense bravery, Mum chose to stop any further treatment, accept that the time had come and focus on being with family.
“Even in the heartbreak, there were moments of light”
She was admitted to A&E in June. Doctors told us she could pass within 24–48 hours, but in true Annie fashion, she defied expectations. For the next 20 days, we stayed by her side – firstly in the hospital and then at home – making sure she was never alone. Even in the heartbreak, there were moments of light; we laughed and we cried together.
Complete trust
Mum had always been clear about her final wishes: she wanted to die at home, in her own bed. I had seen first-hand the extraordinary care of Willen Hospice when they supported my father-in-law, Terry, in his final days in 2021. Mum trusted the Hospice completely, and when the time came the Willen at Home team were there – helping us bring her home.
“Willen at Home guided us through everything”
Ever determined, Mum insisted on climbing the three flights of stairs to her bedroom herself. From that moment on, Willen at Home guided us through everything. They visited regularly, fitting her with a syringe driver to keep her comfortable, easing her pain and anxiety. With her signature humour and sincerity, Mum told visitors she would “recommend hospice care to anyone”.
Peace in final hours
As the days passed, the visits from Willen at Home ramped up. We called for advice day and night, and they supported not only Mum but all of us. On 28 June, with kindness and compassion, the nurses let us know that she didn’t have long left. They prepared us for what was to come, standing beside us in the hardest moments.
“With the Hospice’s support there was peace in those final hours”
Mum got her final wish. She was in her own bed, surrounded by family. That afternoon, we gathered around her – sharing stories, laughing through tears, lighting candles and playing music. And when she finally passed that evening, we had the time and space to truly absorb the moment. We were able to say goodbye in the comfort of her own beloved home. It felt deeply personal – not rushed in a medical setting, but instead together, as a family, for the last time. Death is always a deeply difficult process, but with the Hospice’s support there was peace in those final hours that we will always carry with us.
More than caregivers
It’s difficult to put into words just how vital Willen Hospice was to us. The staff are more than caregivers; they are a quiet force of kindness and strength, supporting not just the person at the end of their life but the entire family left behind. In those final days, they were the closest thing to angels I have ever known.
And the support from the Hospice didn’t stop when Mum passed.
“Losing a mother is something that’s hard to explain… it felt untethering”
Unbearable grief
By November my grief felt unbearable. I was experiencing panic attacks, struggling to process the loss of not just my mum but also my father-in-law – both taken by the cruelty of cancer in just a few short years. Losing a mother is something that’s hard to explain. It felt untethering, as though the world had shifted, and I no longer knew how to move through it.
A colleague gently suggested bereavement counselling, and within weeks, I had my first appointment with a Hospice counsellor. I had a panic attack in the taxi on the way there. I cried through that first session. But Anna-Marie was a source of warmth, understanding and calm. Nothing I said shocked her; she simply listened, offering perspective when I needed it.
“It felt so important to have someone outside of the shared family grief – who could hold space just for me”
Space to be listened to
That counselling carried me through my first birthday and Christmas without Mum. In the hardest weeks, I brought my feelings to our sessions. Grief is unpredictable, long and confusing. And while my family are close and incredibly supportive, we are all experiencing this loss in our own way. That’s why it felt so important to have someone separate – someone outside of the shared family grief – who could hold space just for me. My husband and friends were wonderful, but there were thoughts, memories and emotions that needed the space of an objective, compassionate listener.
Honouring Mum’s memory
After six sessions, I felt more able to cope. The grief hasn’t gone away – I know it never will. But I am learning to blend the loss of Mum into a life that honours her memory. I know a part of me will always be sad, but I also know she would want me to keep moving forward, to continue finding beauty in the world, just as she always did.
“Milton Keynes is incredibly fortunate to have such a compassionate and expert service right here in our community”
A remarkable local resource
The service provided by Willen Hospice is truly vital. When you experience it first-hand, it’s almost impossible to imagine any alternative. To not have been able to honour Mum’s last wish would have been nothing short of heartbreaking. Eventually, we will all face the inevitability of death, and Milton Keynes is incredibly fortunate to have such a compassionate and expert service right here in our community. The fact that they operate without guaranteed funding makes their work even more remarkable and underscores how important it is for us all to support this invaluable resource.
The Hospice continues to mean so much to me and my family. To honour Mum, my sisters, two of my nieces and I will be taking part in the Midnight Moo in June, just a week before the first anniversary of her passing. It will be a special opportunity to come together, honour her and raise money for the most incredible charity.
