In April 2024 Chrissie’s son, Matthew, died from a brain tumour at the age of 52. After determinedly trying to cope with the loss by herself, she eventually reached out to our counselling team in desperation just before Christmas. The sessions that followed are what Chrissie calls “one of the most valuable times of my life.”
Matthew was known as Maffy, later to become Maff. From the day he was born, he was a beautiful blond baby. He grew into a very handsome, incredibly well turned out man. It didn’t matter where he went, he was very sociable, trustworthy and capable, and always smelt of some lovely cologne.
A full life
He was apprenticed as a plasterer and decorator, and had his own business for 30 years. Everything Matthew did was spot on. For many years I bought and renovated houses to sell them. Matthew did a lot of the renovation work and it was always absolutely first class. If he committed to doing something, he’d do it well. When he became a dad it was the same, he did it really well.
“If he committed to doing something, he’d do it well.”
He had such a full life, enjoying time with friends, coaching young footballers at Newport Pagnell Town Football Club, running marathons and helping other new runners. He had lots of good friendships – many of whom were from childhood.
Surrendering ability
Matthew became ill with a glioblastoma tumour, which is a particularly unpleasant, aggressive type of brain tumour. It meant surrendering his ability to drive and work, alongside the most challenging of surgeries and treatments. He was given 12 months, but survived 18, which wasn’t a surprise at all, because he was of a tenacious disposition!
As a born-again Christian and having a knowledge that God can heal, I was shocked when Matthew passed. Right until the moment he passed I had faith that he would survive, but, for reasons I am not privy to or able to comprehend, that didn’t happen.
Hospice care
Matthew had made contact with the Hospice early on. In the initial stages, no care was required but they provided information on financial matters, which was very helpful. As his illness progressed, he was in need of medical support on two occasions and went to stay at the Hospice’s In-Patient Unit. He wasn’t there for long, as on each occasion the team there were able to stabilise him so that he could go home.
“…on each occasion the team were able to stabilise him so that he could go home.”
He passed away at home, which is what he wanted. Without Willen’s daily care and support, it would have been really tough.
Deep loss
When you lose a child, it’s very different to losing anyone else. Children are part of your DNA, so it’s a physically wrenching experience. People say, ‘Oh, this is the wrong way round’, as if that helps. I’m afraid it doesn’t. The loss is something deep inside you physically, that affects you so much. And there’s no way around it.
“I convinced myself that I was strong enough to handle all that had happened.”
I convinced myself that I was strong enough to handle all that had happened. I didn’t want to take medication; I didn’t want to do anything at all in fact. It was just a case of ‘getting through it’. I made it past Matthew’s birthday in June, but as Christmas got closer, I thought ‘I’m in some trouble here…’ When you suddenly realise that you can no longer rely on yourself, you know you’ve got to try something else.
Longing to talk
I didn’t know that Willen offered counselling until someone
mentioned it. One day I rang in hope. For me, it was important to go there, because that’s where Matthew had been. And it was then that I realised actually how much I needed help. I was shutting my emotions off, trying not to feel the physical pain that losing a child brings. I longed to talk about him but felt that others weren’t interested or able to hear or understand.
“…it was then that I realised actually how much I needed help.”
I couldn’t have had a better counsellor than Anna-Marie. She was interested, she was animated, she was warm and engaged, and she wanted to know why I felt the way I felt. There was a need to actually address things that I hadn’t been addressing and at the time didn’t have the ability to deal with. I’m very good at putting my head in the sand! She asked me questions that nobody had ever asked me. And it was these questions that I went home and did the work on.
A turning point
When I first started counselling, I was in such a bad way. But I knew that as the sessions were going along, I was getting less and less tearful. By about the fourth session, crying was contained so that I could talk and think coherently. Anna-Marie asked me to bring in photos of Maff. She wanted to understand what he looked like and who he was. I also realised it was partly for my benefit too, which I found very valuable, explaining how my boy had grown up.
“It’s difficult for me to say, even now, that I have lost my baby.”
Counselling was the turning point for me. It helped me to endure the loss of my first-born, who was everything I ever wanted in a son. It’s difficult for me to say, even now, that I have lost my baby. It’s a huge thing. I’ve had counselling before, but I so needed bereavement counselling and not just any bereavement counselling. Anna-Marie provided that and loads more besides. It was one of the most valuable times of my life.
Support into the future
I didn’t expect to struggle on the anniversary of Matthew’s passing, but I did, and I don’t think I’m ‘out of the woods’ yet. But there’s still the voice of Anna-Marie, that I can hang ideas and tears on, to wonder, ‘What would she say about this?’
“Now I have my own ‘voice’ in Anna-Marie to remind me who I am and what I’m capable of…”
In my career in the NHS, specialising in mental health and addiction, I could metaphorically sit on someone’s shoulder, so that they could ‘hear’ my voice when things were difficult. Now I have my own ‘voice’ in Anna-Marie to remind me who I am and what I’m capable of, and to challenge me in the tough times.
I’m really fortunate, as I’ve also got my beautiful daughter, my gorgeous grandchildren and my brilliant husband, Geoff. We’ve been married for 14 years and he is so kind and unceasing in his support.
“I will appreciate and be forever blessed for that counselling.”
An extraordinary place
I will appreciate and be forever blessed for that counselling. Willen Hospice is an extraordinary place. It has helped friends and families we know, as well as helping us all so much as a family.
We now support and donate to this very special hospice in every way we can.
